A British Soccer Fan in Houston

Fanchester United

I guess I’ll start by talking about the one thing I think I truly know anything about….football. No, I’m not talking about that game where the one asshole gets the ball through the other guys asshole and throws it with his hands so another asshole can catch it; that’s called “throwball”.

I was born in London. I know, how exotic. Right? Not really. I like to use that as my elevator speech, so you already think I’m special in fivewords. I have lived in the United States since I was five; ever since my dad dumped my mother, sister, and I here. I don’t have an English accent, but I do have a British and American passport.

There. You know a little about me. At least why I love soccer so much; I’m English. Some of my very first memories are of watching Arsenal games on television with my godfather, David, whilst singing and chanting “Gooner” songs.

Towards beginning of the 2010 World Cup I made a new friend. Said friend suggested I start this whole blogging business because I loathe the fact that I’m American, and how I stick out like a sore thumb in my weird jerseys with “o2” and “Fly Emirates” all over the front; besides the fact I’m a cynical asshole. As we became better friends the World Cup started, and he began to understand more about why I loved the sport so much. He even made some costly wagers at my suggestion, but as I said, I only believe that I know something about soccer. That doesn’t mean I do. 

As the contest came to a close I watched Americans pretend to care about Landon Donovan. After Frank Lampard’s equalizing goal against Germany was not given. After Mexico was robbed against Argentina, and that God damn octopus “Paul” was all over the news, I watched as people around me everywhere I went suddenly had a fucking opinion about soccer. A game which no one gave a shit about a week before was suddenly as popular as baseball, or “football”.

But when the world cup was over, not everyone went on to the next phase with their short attention spans. After all, David Beckham was playing in the MLS. But US soccer sucks. Sorry, but it does. All the good players developed out of the huge pool of talent we have in the USA go sit on benches in Europe; where do you think Landon went? Everton, that’s where. A Barclay’s English Premier League team.

Ah, yes. The EPL. The Prem. This is where I’ve been leading you all the while. And you just thought all I was going to do was slander “Uh-mericans” and “throwball”….

I start off with the elevator speech so you think I’m interesting. Did it work? Well, if it didn’t you’re more savvy than most. The truth is that England, and the UK, is just as full of idiots as the USA. Only here, everyone assumes all English people love Manchester United. Thanks Beckham.

I’m no hooligan, but I hate Manchester United. I don’t like them because I was raised an Arsenal fan, and that’s just how shit works. If you like the Red Sox, you hate the fucking Yankees right? Why? Because EVERYBODY LIKES THE FUCKING YANKEES BECAUSE THEY ALWAYS GOD DAMN WIN! They have all the money to buy all the great players, therefor; they win. Same goes for me. I have seen Manchester United humiliate Arsenal….It sucks, but I’m not a fair-weather friend. I’ve also watched Arsenal beat the tar out of Man UTD, and it’s awesome! It’s like watching the Red Sox break the curse every time! Watching Arsenal lose makes it that much sweeter when they win. I love the dumbfounded looks on peoples faces. Lots and lots of peoples faces. It’s not so bad for me if Arsenal lose, because everyone expects it.

So, on the morning of December 11, 2010, my friend and I will be at a pub, early in the morning, to watch as Arsenal travel to Old Trafford to play Manchester United. Do I expect Arsenal to win? Not at all. Will it be fucking sweet if they do? Fuck yes. And my friend will know what it is like to watch the World Cup 38 weekends out of the year. That’s a hell of a lot more exiting than watching Landon Donovan score a sitter against Algeria to send the USA through to the final 16, even if it does only happen every four y……..wait that’s never fucking happened before.